I realize that I never post much about baby cutie pie. It is a bit on purpose, I guess. Not that there is not TONS I could write about. She is 20 weeks now...and pretty much the perfect little baby....so strong and beautiful with an amazing smile. It's just...well....my feelings for her are, let's say...different.
Ok...I really hope that this does not come out all wrong....
I love all the kids that come into our care. With all of my heart...you all know that! But with her...well, she came to us at just 4 days old. Brand spankin' new! A little person who was counting on me more than I have ever known. For food and comfort and love and changing and bathing and love and more eating. To guide her and teach her things...like a schedule for the eating and the sleeping. To help her grow and flourish. To worry over and kiss and hug continuously. To do everything that new moms do. I just was not her mommy.
And here is the kicker......
To her, I AM her mommy. I am all she knows...sad..but true. She is my little angel face. And the love I feel for her is amazing.
Now, I don't know what the future holds for this little one. If she will ever be able to return to her Bio Mother...or if she will remain mine. And I think that is what is the hardest for me. Not knowing.
Yes, I understand my job as a FOSTER mom. I am the "in between"...the "for the moment"...the "fill in" parent. I am here to help and to support and to advocate for these children and their families. I am not the mom. And I am ok with that.
But to this little one...it is not so cut and dry. She is so young.
Not to go into much detail, but there has been very little contact with bio mom since she came into care. And NO contact for a few months now. Does that not just break your heart????!!!
So, my attachment to her is much greater than can be understood. Of course, unless you have been there...and in that case...I would love to hear from you.
But please hear this....biology and love are two very different things. It is very possible to love a child that is not biologically yours as if they were. And it is just as scary and wonderful and hard. Especially when they are not yours, and very well may never be.
Jemmers :)
7 comments:
Jemmers, you have so much love to give that little one who needs it so much. I can only imagine how hard it is to think about her not being yours forever. You are such a wonderful mommy to her and I'm just so glad you get to do that!
Jemmers, I hear you! Go ahead and read my post from a few days ago. M-A is 3 and has been with us almost one year now. Her birthmom has contact almost every month but she's never known her birthfather, although he just appeared out of the blue a few months ago, demanding to see her, visits, etc... Then never showed up. It breaks my heart. But I'm not sure what breaks my heart more--I think that it's the thought that the courts won't terminate her rights and then we'd have to give her back (we're an adoptive placement) but then there's adopting her and having to tell her when the questions come, that her birthparents really didn't love her enough to change their lives around for her. So sad and conflicting all at the same time.
Hang in there. I know you're doing an amazing job for her, and for all of your foster kids. They will always remember your love, support, care, and warmth.
It's amazing how much you can fall in love so quickly. So sad what her bio mom is missing. I am trying to prepare myself for being the "in between" parent...and it sounds just aweful! as much as i know it's needed, there really is no way to prepare for it I'm sure.
Thank you, Dooney!! :)
Autumn...can you send me your blog address so I can hear more of your journey?? If you would like!!
It is hard...and the system does not make it any easier on us!
Jess, being the in between is not sooo bad! It is very rewarding and fun...heartbreaking, yes! But I know that the Lord is with me!
Good luck to you on your journey! YOu seem to have a great out look on your ministry you are about to begin! :)
What a sweet post. I can only imagine the love you feel for this little baby. Of course you feel like her mommy! You ARE, at least for the time being. I will keep you guys in my prayers.
God bless :)
Jemmers, My blog url is:
www.writerbyday.typepad.com/autumn_olivia
Hello! I just found your blog. Totally understand about cutie pie, that's how it's been with my Braeden, then Bo, when he came to me from the hospital at 3 days old and 5 something pounds. He's now 4 1/2 yrs and mine forever. Thanks for sharing your journey.
Lisa
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