When most kids enter foster care, they usually go through what they call a Honeymoon period. This happens mostly with children that have been moved from place to place. They want to make a good impression so that they can remain in the home. This period can last a month or so depending...and after that....well it is no-holds-bar.
With FS, we did not get this honeymoon period. If we did I totally missed it. He came in full force ready to take us on. I could do nothing right. I had too many rules...or I was too nice...or for whatever reason, he just hated me. *Not really me...but the situation. He just does not know the difference!*
I know that most of the things I write about are positive.....and there is a reason for that. It is the ONLY thing that works for him. Which is really hard to do as he is calling me name after name...and F this and that. And...don't forget the "I hate you". Which I have gotten him to stop saying...instead it is I don't like you...which is easier to swallow. :)
We have had some rough moments and usually they are not that bad. But last night.....well that is the night it all changed.
We were doing homework, studying for a test....he got discouraged and just flew off the handle. He started cussing and carrying on. He asked later to call his brother...which we agreed....and then it got worse. All the sudden we hear the radio full blast....and over the music we here FS yelling and cussing and getting all upset. Now, I was not trying to listen in...but I was worried.
Most of what was said was how he hated it here. How he never has any privacy. How we won't let him cuss or listen to music with profanity or about sex. And then I heard it....."They only have a Playstation 1. How can I live with that?"
That one through me a bit. I can understand the privacy issue....even though we do our best to make sure he has his alone time....but he has to be supervised 24/7...that is foster care....not me! And the cussing and the music....that is around and toward me. If he wants to listen to the music in his room, that is fine. Now the PlayStation thing......Ok, that one he can get over!! He is lucky he even has that!
So this morning I contacted his social worker...which is my obligation...considering some of the other things he was saying...and told her what had happened, in case his brother called her about how awful we were treating him! *We only have a PlayStation!* Well, she met with him today, at school....I heard a lot about that one....and talked about some of the issues. And this is what he said......
"I don't want to stay there. I need a new foster home! And now!"
"Why?"
"Because they care about me too much!"
Did you hear that? He wants to leave because we CARE too much! The poor thing has never had anyone truly love him before....and he is not sure he can handle it! How sad is that???
It breaks my heart.
So now he is testing us...because he does not think that this whole thing is real. That we really want him...and that we will not send him back into the system. He is trying to protect himself from being hurt...again.
Have I told you that I hate tests.....well I do! I had no time to study! And I am afraid I am a bit dumb in this subject...called parenthood! I am at least hoping for an A for effort!
Jemmers :)
6 comments:
Do you know what a zip line is? People sometimes go over canyons on them. There is the cable that is strung over the canyon or down the hillside. You get in a harness and then you are hooked to the line. You kick off and slid hundreds of feet down the line.
So imagine getting into one of these harnesses and getting ready to slide down. What are you going to do first?
How about yank really hard on every single part of that harness and rope.
Well...you're the rope.
All you have to do to pass the test is not break.
Oh Jemmers! **hugs**
We went through well not THIS, but something similar with Mindy. It's so hard because they want their parents to love them like YOU love them.
Here's one for you: Mindy is taking the allowance I gave her for the last month, and buying groceries for her Dad with it.
Yeah, he's the father of the year.
Anyway, Noelle from hoodmama.blogspot.com has lots of advice since she works with foster kids. She has been amazing with helping me to understand Mindy.
Oh, and I totally agree with Yondalla. That is a PERFECT metaphor.
Wow, what Yondalla said was really powerful. Jemmers, I feel so bad that you are being treated this way, but you are obviously doing *something* right if that is his biggest complaint ! :-)
Keep on doing it and know how many people are praying for you to succeed.
Oh my gosh, you have me in tears, Jemmers! The poor guy has to be hurting so bad inside. Just keep loving him. He doesn't want to be disappointed but you can tear those walls down with unconditional love...and maybe a new video game system. Just kidding!
May God continue to give you and A wisdom as you share His love with this boy. God bless you two over and over again!
One of our adopted children grabbed a butcher knife and threatened her sister(19) on the 1st visit. The brother and sister(17 and 16)lived 12 years in various group homes(not much love there) and when they were in foster homes- the sister would be "kicked out" for some issue. So these kids learn to test the waters early. They do not know love, and it is very hard for them to transition into a home that is full of love. Keep trying, and keep up the good work.
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