My mother and I have never had a good relationship. I think we both tolerate each other. I was the first of three children and I don't know...something just was not there. Do I think she loves me? Yes, of course. But it pretty much ends there.
Everything bad that ever happened was always my fault. I was never good enough. What I wanted never mattered. I was just a disappointment...so it seemed.
Maybe I was too independent for her? Maybe it was the menopause she went through for 10 years? Maybe she just did not know how to be a mom?
In any case, when I became a mom...I was terrified that my daughter would some day hate me. That I would be a mom like my mom. I did not want that!!!! And to tell you the truth....my whole life I have been trying very hard to NOT be my mother! That may sound horrible...and I know she is not as bad as others out there. I just wanted more. More love. More understanding. Less drama.
Even now, that I am almost 30, my mother still treats me like I am 5 years old. Well I hope she would not write a 5 year old and tell them how horrible of a person they are and how they ruined Christmas for everyone and that she never wants to be around her again....especially when the girl thought it was a great day and nothing was wrong!!!!!!!!!
But that is my mother. Where there is no drama...she creates a boat load of it. And all I can do is.....nothing! Just like with my teens! If I react, then I have given her what she wanted. And it will continue and there is no way anyone can win. So, like always...I just do nothing and wait for things to calm down.
Then there is Eva. The only grand baby on my side of the family! The precious little jewel! I can't keep her from seeing her mamaw! So...now, I ignore...do nothing....keep feelings hidden....suck it up....go over there to visit....keep mouth totally shut!!!!!
And in that way...I am nothing like my mother! Accept....I just kinda spit it out all over here! Haaaaahaaaaa!
I love my mom...I do. I just wish it was different.
Jemmers :)
2 comments:
wow, thanks for your open post. I too have a rocky relationship with my mom. Everyday I vow that I will have a better relationship with my daughter. I vow not to make the same choices my mom has made. It is hard, isn't it? I will pray for you and your journey thru mommyhood :)
I completely understand! Just make sure he doesn't treat your little like she treated you. It's hard to face the fact and admit that you don't have a great relationship with your mother, but even more difficult to figure out why. I would never treat a child the way I had been treated at times, but at least it gives us a long list of what NOT to do!
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