It has been a month since Miss Diva was moved to a different home. But the pain and sadness and insecurities and doubt and anger and frustration are still here.
I do believe that there is a time and season for all things. And that she stayed out the time frame she was meant to stay....but did I do enough? Should I have tried to hang on a bit longer? Am I horrible at this whole foster parenting thing?
I am not playing the victim card here, by any means. I knew what I was getting into from the beginning...and it was NEVER easy. I did grow a lot during the 5 and half months she was here...and I would do it all over again if given the chance. But I just can't seem to get this awful taste out of my mouth.
When I gave our 30 day notice for Miss Diva, I asked that we not be placed with teens for a while. And yes, I do realize that we have a 17 year old girl living here. But the situation is much different. It would have to be for me to have accepted this placement. But I knew and still know that I need to be revived and and renewed before I can go down that road again.
My heart aches for that little girl. And I hate that I could not have done more...and I feel as if I proved to her that permanency is not a real thing. And maybe she is right, I can't handle her kind. Hurt, broken, misguided, insecure, scared, angry, alone. Maybe I can't handle it, because her and I are in some ways the same scared and broken and insecure little girl.
But maybe I did handle it. Maybe I did the best that I could...the best that I knew how. And I just need more time to heal. More time to process. More time to regain confidence in myself.
Jemmers
5 comments:
Although I have 3 grown daughters...I can NOT and will NOT do teenagers. I KNOW that I can not deal with the things that have happened or the behaviors that come with them. Every age group has it's own "hardships". To me, you just have to know which ones your able to cope with. And I know I can't do teenagers. So like you, to be fair to them and to our family, we have to say no to teens too.
I really enjoy reading your blog, your honesty mixed with insight is very appealing! My husband and I are having our home study done this week, and that will be the final hoop we have jumped through to start foster care. You and your husband seem to do it with grace.
You sound like a fantastic foster mom! You learn as you go.....we can't "fix" them all...sometimes we don't even come close. Maybe a seed was planted...you have no idea what her life may hold, just because you were in it!!!!!
Don't be hard on yourself!!!! You are human and you did what you could. And maybe it's God's timing that she left your house - who knows what He has planned for her, or for you. We sometimes have to just accept things as they are, knowing that God has it all under control.
It's hard. Really hard. But remember that He knows how you're feeling and will help you get through it. Be patient with yourself.
I'll keep you in my prayers!
How old is she?
See, with our niece Mindy (who will be 18 in October) is like that: out to prove you are wrong, even if it hurts her in the process.
I know you know all this, but I need to say that it really is not your fault. You had her best interests at heart, and she would not give an inch. I know you would have hung in there if it was the nest thing for HER and for your family. But it wasn't.
Please don't hang your head over this, Jemmera. When she told you that you couldn't do this, how did you respond? By doing what you always do, and being encouraging and loving, and taking care of her, even if you were upset at something she said.
OK so we don't know each other that well, but your heart shines through. I think you DID do the best you could. And I'm not saying the next teen will be easier, but you'll know more what to do.
**hugs**
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