I have had some time to process all of this. Yes, FS has left. He ran away this afternoon when his social worker came to give him the results of his pshyc evaluation. He was told that he has a behavioral disorder and also a major learning disability. (I do not remember the name.) He did not like any of this!
He was already upset with me because he feels he can't do sh*t here. But with an attitude like that, do you blame me??? We had a hard last week...with the threat to kill my dog, he ran from us at Red, White and Boom, he freaked out on me when I confronted him about the disrespect I was receiving from him. Just a TOUGH time!!!! A actually told me that he wanted FS removed from our home. He just could not take anymore. But I wanted to hang in a while longer.
Today, FS decided that he did not want to be here....and that being ANYWHERE else other than here would be better. So he ran. And we had to make the tough decision of whether or not we would allow him to return to our home. It was REALLY hard! The social workers were afraid that if we allowed him to come back, that he would end up hurting me. And they would not allow that to happen.
So he is now in residential care. It is basically a group home. And it is HARD!!!! He thought we were strict...just wait. They have these kids on lock down. No computer, no games, no music, no work...nothing!
My thoughts are that if he were to return here, he would never get better. We would always have these issues and they would just build until it all just blows up all over us! At the residential facility, he will receive the care that he needs...counselling and other things. Programs he will have to participate in. This is really for the best.
The last few hours I have been sobbing. I have poured my heart and soul into this child. I have given every ounce of my being to help him and to care for him and to protect him. I feel as if they took my son away from me. A piece of my heart is missing. And I may never be able to get it back.
There is a chance that he will ask to come back to our home. And my answer right now would be no. I have done all that I can do. He has to do the rest now. And that hurts me to say.
I have called my boss to see if I can go back to work. He was not sure at this point, at least for another couple of weeks. I seemed to have left him high and dry.....even though he agreed to this...it is apparently my fault! I hope things will work out. I need my job back. But I am open to new opportunities. So I guess, I will just wait and see what happens.
Will we continue with this fostering business???? YES! It is one of the most rewarding things you could ever do....and yet heart wrenching at the very same time. But this is what I was called to do. And I am never alone!
**I just spoke to FS. He called for A, but he was not home. I asked him if he was ok. He asked why I cared. I told him that I do care for him, very much. He said that was the problem...I care too much. He said that if I would have just let him do what he wanted he never would have left. I told him that I was not going to apologize for the rules...and if he wanted to make this kind of a decision because I would not let him watch a TV show...then he had no one to blame but himself. He hung up. And I cried! I pushed him away. Me! And it hurts!
Jemmers :)
4 comments:
Jemmers, did you mean to put FS's name in the last paragraph?
OK.... ***hugs***
You know some of the story with Mindy... let me tell you about the really bad time.
It was February 2004, and Mindy had been living with us for 4 months. Long story short, things were tense and she was angry with me for "caring too much." That's code for, "I wish my OWN parents were like you, but since you're not my parent, then you have to PAY."
Anyway, Mindy and I had a showdown at her Middle School. We didn't know it at the time, but there was quite an audience watching us in the courtyard. Mindy was screaming at me, saying that she'd yell "Rape" and that she'd tell school authorities that Rob and I abused her. I asked her to get in my car and she refused. She told me to step back, or she'd kick me.
I didn't step back. She kicked me.
I took her down hard, and didn't let go of her until she stopped fighting. Then I let her go, and she stomped off into the 15 degree evening, and ran to a friend's house.
Fast forward a few days... her parents were both busy and they wanted me to watch her. I had to say no, because I was very much afraid of her behavior. I didn't want to go to sleep at night and wake up with her standing over me with a knife or something, you know?
Anyway, I'm prattling on, but I just wanted you to know that 1. You are not alone in this. 2. It WILL eventually blow over. 3. Tough love is hard to give, but you are doing a wonderful job. and 4. Even if it's 10 years down the road, FS will remember that he was truly loved by someone in his life.
I am praying for you tonight.
You didn't push him away! He choose to leave because he couldn't handle all the love and attention he was getting. This is sooo not your fault!!! And I will pray for peace for this entire situation.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You gave all you had and it was just too much for him since he's only gotten a fraction of that for most of his life. If he truly has the learning disability and behavioral disorder, that is a huge factor in all this and perhaps the home is where he needs to be for now.
As was said by Jayleigh, FS will always remember you. Your love, concern, encouragement and even discipline. All things children crave even if it frightens them.
I'm so pleased you will keep fostering. Each time you do, you may lose a piece of your heart or perhaps you are just growing a bigger one to fill.
I hope that FS will remember that we loved him very much!! Because we did...and do!!!! He was a special kid. He was HARD, but I learned a lot from him. And I hope one day he can say the same!!!
Thank you for all of you kind words!!! They mean a lot!!! Especially with a thankless job...being a parent!
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