I feel like I will never get past all of this pain. Never. Even when I have totally surrendered and accepted my fate, the pain deep in my heart still lingers.
For the past 5 days I have been begging for my "friend" to come! I lost track of my days some how, and that left me "late"! And I freaked! I am getting a baby in 2 months...I cannot be pregnant now! And after 1 HPT and a big fat "Hello friend", I was relieved! I honestly did not want to have a baby right now!!! And if never...that was ok. I love our family!
Then, I heard the news that a friend of mine from church was expecting her second child. And my heart became sad. And I may have even mumbled the words, "Why not me?" You know....cause I obviously really wanted to be pg right now! So NOT!!! But, why do I do this to myself! Why am I so sad even now.....10 1/2 years of trying.
I don't want to be sad anymore....I want freed from the pain that my infertility causes! Will I ever get that? I don't know.
Jemmers :)
3 comments:
I know exactly how you feel. Just when you think you are past it and grateful for all God is doing in your life, someone gets pregnant and the pain is raw and fresh again.
I am a foster mom too. I know the joy of loving children while barren. I am grateful to have these precious children in my home. God has used our greatest disappointments to bring us to His destiny for our lives...a house more full of children than if we had naturally conceived.
But I also can't escape the pangs of pain that can be triggered at the oddest times by my barren womb.
Feel free to check out my blog anytime. www.thepainteddresser.com.
I am always grateful to find someone who actually understands how I feel... Not a lot of people will openly admit what you have admitted.
You and I are on very similar journies right now. If I don't get my period by Thursday, it's time to take a HPT. I guess the difference is, this is something I desperately want right now, and I don't have a baby coming in a couple of weeks. Yet, my hubby thinks that adding a baby to our chaos right now would be the worst thing ever. Tough stuff.
Lord, thank you that you are with us on this journey.
Blessings!
Hannah
p.s. One of my favorite songs is playing right now. By your side by 10th avenue north. How ironic. :)
((HUGS))
Post a Comment